Chemotherapy: and so it begins..

On Thursday the 5th of March I'll start chemotherapy for this breast cancer.

I'm not sure where week 4 falls on the 'grieving process' but for me it's been full of anxiety, anger and apathy for anything happening outside my immediate bubble.

I've found myself several times having to explain how serious the situation really is. Whether it's to my workplace as I'm left a week out from treatment trying to figure out how I'm going to afford our mortgage and bills or to well-meaning friends who don't understand that not all breast cancer is created equal and the more well known statistics on survival and recovery don't unfortunately apply to my situation or to family that are perhaps finding it easier to respond to me by being be cognitively dissonant.

To be very clear, I currently have a treatable breast cancer. It is (was) Stage 2 meaning that it has not progressed beyond my breast, although it is likely Stage 3 now as there was evidence of it already being in the lymph nodes 2 weeks ago and the HER2+ part of this breast cancer makes it invasive and fast growing. But it doesn't matter at this stage, as the Triple Positive diagnosis means that chemotherapy is the first stage of treatment regardless. This consists of a combination of two Chemo drugs (which is a general blasting of my body) and two HER2 targeted treatments.

What they've told me is that it will be 6 months of aggresive chemotherapy treatment where they hope that I will be part of the optimistic statistic of a 50% chance of a full pathological response to the drugs, then surgery. We initially were told this may be just a lump removal but were given a revised recommendation last week due to the size of the tumours that it would more likely be a mastectomy, maybe even a double mastectomy including ovaries removal if the genetic tests come back positive.

After all this, it may be that radiotherapy is needed, perhaps more chemotherapy drugs depending on how things respond, then a minimum of 18 months hormone therapy. All before any reconstructive surgery or recovery from the various destructive processes.

But most importantly, it is not a given that I will survive. Yes the survival rates of breast cancer are higher than a lot of other cancers but there are many factors related to the type and stage of this breast cancer or my bodies ability to cope with chemotherapy and surgery, that do not make it a sure thing. It hit home to me when I asked if I could have 3 months to go away and treat this naturally, to try more of a root cause approach, delaying chemotherapy, and the doctor responded by saying 1) they won't see me back there in potentially even a month and 2) I would risk making something curable, incurable i.e. it becoming metastatic.

Don't mistake my describing of all this as resolute or pessimistic.

I'm simply being real about the state of affairs.

The type of 'don't be silly you'll be fine' approach has never resonated with me.

I'd much rather be aware of all paths in the wood and focus then on what to aim for.

I find blind optimism infuriating.

I find it to be ignorant and unhelpful in motivating one to take accountability and act.

Quite frankly, I'm shocked at how much it has been necessary to be stern about the reality of this situation whilst trying to get all the ducks in a row this past week.

Even though I live in one of the most progressive places in the world for healthcare, and even though I did not choose this path for myself (unlike pregnancy), the financial reality of this situation is truly not good and I'm spending my final moments before entering chemotherapy balancing final moments of things with energy with my son and doing an enormous amount of life admin to try and make ends meet. Out of respect for my employer who has offered some support, I don't want to get into the details here but all I will say is that if you don't have income protection insurance, get it. Right now.

And yes, I've tried to get it elsewhere and failed. Yes I've tried to access my superannuation in the Australia and in the UK, and failed.

No, so far I don't qualify for NDIS or Centrelink payments.

Yes, we've started looking into mortgage and car lease breaks, but we are unsure if they will do enough anyway even if we do manage to make them happen.

But most importantly, even if my full time salary was to continue being paid through the minimum 7 months and potentially beyond if things don't go well, how the HELL does anyone afford the mountain of medical bills already piling up and those to come?!

Medicare only covers about 1/3 of some bills. Private health doesn't cover most of it and for us, hasn't covered IVF.

And even in the scenario where you get some cover, you're still expected to have thousands in cash sitting in your account at all times, to cover the up front payments.

I'll stop there as it's all incredibly complicated, stressful and honestly not what I need to be focusing on 48 hours out. I was truly hoping to spend this last week in peace, focus on the power of the mind and meditation that will be central to this next phase.

Perhaps I have still a little. Sneaking in a few moments in between appointments and panic attacks to take my little man to the zoo, sit with him and draw, join him for a nap.

I have an immense amount to be grateful for and most importantly, to heal and live for.

For sure there's a lot of weight on my mind between finances and feeling my career slip away, losing most of my entire identity pretty much overnight, knowing my hair will fall out next week and having my body disfigured forever, intense and unwavering anxiety about the sickness of chemo, lack of certainty over the treatment pathway I've chosen, unresponded to messages from friends, not being able to communicate or show up for them right now, guilt for still being exposed to the myraid of things that could have caused this cancer from the tap water to the people or situations that cause me to be in constant fight or flight, but I guess for now i's just one foot in front of the other.

I guess there's nothing more to say other than, time to go.

See you on the other side.

x

After reading this my Husband has reminded me of the importance of being all in now.

I know he's right, but I can't make it be so just by saying it is. I will rely instead for now on the confidence I have in him. He believes this is the right path now, and so I do too.

I thank the universe for him today more than ever. He has and will be always, my rock.